'Okay there General Fuckup.'
'Morning Mr.President sir!'
'At ease soldier, now what's all this ah hear about our boys in Eye-rack having a little well deserved R&R?'
'Uh, you probably mean the torturing sir'
'Torture General? What's that then Fuckup?'
'Uh, when we attach electrodes to someones genitals sir, or beat them to death, or make them wear womens panties.'
'Wearing womens panties eh General? That's torture? Ah kinda like to wear womens....'
'Er, that's perhaps as mays be sir, but to them there towel heads that's a bit like torture sir, in a manner of speaking sir.'
'What about stockings and suspendies General, ah kinda like to wear my wife's stockings and....'
'Sir, uh sir, can we get away from womens underwear sir, for a moment sir?'
'Sure Fuckup sure.'
'Jockstraps are fun, ah like to wear jockstraps when ah'm dropping bombs on people in.....'
'Er, sir, if we could avoid underwear altogether sir....'
'Why sure General! Why ah love to be in the altogether, you too? Hey, what say we all just take off our clothes and get one of the deputies to build us one of those naked pyramid thingys like they did in that holiday camp in Eye-rack. Looked like they was having a great time over there, especially that cute little cheeky faced chimp with her thumbs all sticking up. Looks to me as plain as the nose on mah face that she'd like a great big banana General! And then perhaps a little leap-frog in the shower room, just like we did in the National Guard!'
'Um sir no sir, if it's all the same to you Mr.President, I'd rather keep my clothes no sir if it's all the same to you sir.'
'Well it's not all the same General, ah'm telling you leap-froggin butt naked pyramids was all the fun in my National Guard days.'
'Um, sir you were'nt in the National Guard sir. Nobody ever remembers seeing you there sir. We haven't been able to find any record of you actually attending sir.'
'Damned right General now look you've got me all a blaspheming there, ah'm gonna have to flog myself again tonight.'
'Er, yes sir, but back to the abuse scandal in Eye-rack sir.'
'Hey, just a second there General, there isn't one of those slanty eyed, rice munching laundrymen anywhere near now is there? Only they scare the blessed Jesus out of me!'
'Sir, as I explained to you yesterday sir, this has nothing to do with the Koreans.'
'Well thank the Lord for that. Praise him to the rafters General! They're sure scary those shifty little chinamen.'
'Sir they're not Chinamen they're....oh for fucks sake...sir you asked me here to explain the humiliation, abuse and torture of prisoners in our custody sir!'
'Custardy eh General? Well custard is yellow sure enough, but ah prefer the sort of yeller that bananas come wrapped in ah'm a telling you!'
'Sir, please, no sir, not bloody bananas again sir, your psychiatrist explained yesterday sir, about the banana fixation sir.'
'Oh yes, Funny little guy with all those electrode things that he attached to me.'
'Yes sir, I believe that he practises electro-schock therapy sir.'
'Darn good fun too General!'
'Sir, back to the prisoners in our....care sir.'
'We have prisoners?'
'Er, yes sir.'
'Where Fuckup?'
'Um, all over the world sir. Morrocco, Saudi, Afghanistan, Eye-rack - espeicially Eye-rack we've got thousands locked away there - Cuba....'
'Jeez General! That's an awful lot of cotton-picking states there!'
'Sir, they're not states sir, they're countries sir.'
'Now don't ya go using that barrack room talk with me General, a womans privates deserves respects and a big banana from time to time, so use something more acceptable Fuckup, like front-behind!'
'No sir, look it's all over the press sir, we've been torturing Eye-rackees, Afghanees, Brits....'
'That reminds me General. What happened to that tail thumping poodle eh? What was he called? Bill or something?'
'His name was Bliar sir. We threw him a bone and told him to go away and stop pestering us sir.'
'Really General? That's a darn shame, he was such an affectionat little pooch. Ah used to really like it when ah wore my jockstrap and bent over. Why that friendly little mutt would come right up and lick mah....'
'SIR! We've been torturing in our cust...care sir!'
'We what now?'
Yes sir, sorry sir.'
'General, ah want you to tell me something General. Why did we go to war in Eye-rack huh?'
'Er, which answer did you want sir? Last years, last weeks or the one in todays on message brief sir?'
'Today sounds mighty fresh to me sir, and ah like my....'
'Sir sorry to interrupt sir, but this isn't gonna be about bananas again now is it sir?'
'....well....not necessarily General, ah'm not a plantain obsessed banana mongering single issue EEK! President General.'
'Sir very well sir. Todays brieiing is that we chose to liberate the Eye-rackees whether they liked it or not to impose democracy on those ungrateful towel-heads and to close down the abuse, torture and rape rooms sir!'
'That's right General, and don't you forget it, that's why we invaded them, we bombed them from a great distance for their own good General, we sure showed 'em what Democracy is all about Fuckup!'
'Yes sir Mr.President Sir!'
'What did happen to those rape rooms General?
'We, uh, had them er, changed sir.'
'Changed Fuckup? Changed into what now?'
'Um, torture chambers sir, more torture chambers, seeing as we were kinda running out of room to put civilians in sir.'
'Hot jumping Dallas dogs Fuckup, now that is a clever plan, saves on bana...real estate right General? Did we get that nice company Halleyburtish to do the interior design?'
'Um no sir. We hired, er someone else sir, and expert in the field sir.'
'And where did we learn all this there good ol' American as apple pie tortury stuff General?
'Um, sir, you remember that prisoner sir, the one we talked about yesterday, the one offering to run Eye-rack for us sir?'
'Ah sure do Fuckup! That boy Saddam was right on the button wasn't he? What's he got to do with all this great torture stuff?'
'Um, he, er , told us how to go about doing it sir.'
'Jumping jiminy in a vat of vaseline General, he's just the model banana now isn't he?'
'Sir he...uh, sir...did you just say banana?'
'No General. Definitely not. Well. May'be.'
'...anyway sir...you were saying sir...'
'Ah was saying General that what with Saddams ability to to restore law and order and run the prisons, here's the one million badollar question Fuckup. When can put him in charge?'
'Any day now sir, just as soon as we run away, I mean retreat sir, in an orderly fashion sir, um tactical withdrawal sir.'
'Well give him some Fyffes General, promote him and ask his advice about Guatanamo. Great bananas there General....sorry General.'
'Sir yes sir. Saddam has requested just a couple of things Mr.President sir.'
'What's that Fuckup?'
'Um, as we leave sir....'
'Yes General?'
'...er, he's asked if we wouldn't be terribly kind and restore security, give people their jobs back and switch the lights back on sir'
''Sounds a little tricky to me General, ah wouldn't know where to start.'
'Yes sir, and one last thing sir.
'Ah'm a listening Fuckup!'
'Could we also possibly put that statue of him that we pulled down back up up sir.'
'Go do it General, go do it! Damn ah'm a good President, ah'm a smokin today! There's no bananas on this President!'
'Sigh, Sir, no sir'
yechydda,