Toothing - the new commuter sex craze
Published on May 1, 2004 By valleyboyabroad In Blogging

Bluetooth is a way of getting computer devices to talk with each other over small distances using a short range radio frequency.

Sounds complicated, but it really is simple to use.

Basically, you simply turn on the blutooth 'radio' on say your hand held device, be it a palm pilot, mobile phone or perhaps if you're particularly sad, your portable printer.

When another device in the area comes into range, a little icon pops up and with a simple click or tap of a stylus, the two devices are ready to 'talk' to each other.

It isn't like a mobile phone, where you need to know the number of the person that you want to talk to, it's more like CB radio, where you send out a handshake hoping that someone out there wants to talk to you:

'Breaker breaker ten four big daddy what's the I-1 oh on the shaky bear...'

Er, yes, right you get the idea.

But Bluethoothing as it is known has been hijacked by crazed, sex-mad people that commute long hours and, well,  own hand-held devices.

For they are using the bluetooth system to arrange casual sex.

These depraved individuals, often wear suits, glasses and spend an hour or two a day on long, boring commutes in and out of the city of London.

Here's how these sexo-anarchic fiends work:

When they are sure that nobody is looking, they casually turn on bluetooth and go 'fishing' for partners.

When they get a response, their pulse quickens, for who knows what is dangling at the end of the line?

They quickly establish a connection and begin flirting with one another.

They know they're on the same train, somewhere, but the question is where?

And who?

Is it that gorgeous blonde in the corner - oh no, she's reading cosmopolitan.

The gorgeous blond in the corner wonders briefly why a fat, small, pudgy, bald man with a sweaty forehead is looking hopefully at her before returning to her magazine and the article about wooden flooring.

Small sweaty bald man sets his sights a bit lower and elsewhere.

The tubby woman with badly applied make up knitting baby socks? I mean she'd do.

Perhaps the object of small bald sweaty mans desire is in the next carriage?

A few messages bounce back and fore and suddenly bingo! He's pulled, he's going to meet 'Jo' in the toilets at Brighton, where he'll have gratuitous, uncomplicated sex with a completer stranger - he can hardly wait, he mops his brow with his three day old crackly handkerchief.....

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If you believe the popular press, then this subversive activity is rife on British commuter trains, with scores of sex mad people hooking up with one another for 'toothing', a euphamism for sex with complete strangers, usually in toilets.

Scores of young men and women are copulating as we speak in darkened alleyways, lavatory cubicles and under the seats behind you.

Overnight women have suddenly changed, undergone a metamorphosis unprecedented in evolutionary history and have at last become the sexual predators of every male fantasy, desperate for sex with random strangers.

And all because they own a handheld device with bluetooth installed on it.

Right.

Putting it crudely, if a woman really wants random sex with a stranger, all she has to do is walk into a bar and there will be at least a dozen men of all shapes and sizes that she can choose from.

Most men have this inbuilt and usually misplaced delusion about their own sexual attractiveness and are usually pitifully unaware of the stark reality. Mirrors don't work for men.

Owning a device with blutooth will immediately change his chances of 'scoring' of course.

This is the modern equivalent of buying sports cars to impress women, a 21st century replacement for the penis extension that was the E-type jag in the 1960s.

Now, even the most ordinary of middle-aged greying civil servants in their tatty old suits and mouldering leather cases can attain the previously unattainable nirvana of constant, guilt-free sex with strange women.

And all because they paid a hundred bucks for a gizmo.

Dream on.....

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Elsewhere, as train stops at the next station, small bald sweaty man alights and nervously makes his way to the lavatory.

Trembling, he pushes open the door and sure enough there is Jo.

'Allo darling', Joe grunts in his deep bass voice, as small bald sweaty man realises too late, that the only people seeking random sex with stangers on commuter trains are, well, other men.

yechydda,


Comments (Page 1)
on May 01, 2004
way too funny
on May 01, 2004
Just like on the Internet, where all the "hotties" whose a/s/l are 22/f/Los Angeles are actually 45/m/in their skivvies, balding and downing another quart of Ben and Jerry's.

-- B
on May 01, 2004
I liked this one

It would be a great marketing campaign... Sex sells, and idiots beleive anything...

BAM!!!
on May 01, 2004
King bee,

Glad you liked it.

I must confess, I, er own a bluetooth hand held device.

But I'm currently in Thailand so I haven't been able to try it out with regard to pulling the opposite sex!

yechydda,
on May 01, 2004
Kermit,

Just like on the Internet, where all the "hotties" whose a/s/l are 22/f/Los Angeles are actually 45/m/in their skivvies, balding and downing another quart of Ben and Jerry's.


Really?

And how would you know then eh? Eh?

Hmmm.

I've got my on you oh webbed footed one!

yechydda,

on May 01, 2004
Muggaz,


I liked this one It would be a great marketing campaign... Sex sells, and idiots beleive anything...BAM!!!


Praise indeed!

There's an element of truth in the article also, apparently the upwardly mobile gay community (or those that have handhelds - why do I always snigger when I write that? oh, and take trains) are very much into it.

Cruising taken to a new height I suppose.

Hoping for a 'blue' job.

Sorry, couldn't resist it!

yechydda,


on May 01, 2004

This was great....


 


..you know, I have this mental image of you looking a sounding a little like Rhys Ifans in 'Notting Hill'.  Sorry.

on May 01, 2004

Haha, this was great, I enjoyed this alot.
on May 01, 2004
Funny stuff... blog on!
on May 01, 2004
Please explain further, these people have blue teeth? What a strange bunch they are.
on May 01, 2004
'Allo darling', Joe grunts in his deep bass voice, as small bald sweaty man realises too late, that the only people seeking random sex with stangers on commuter trains are, well, other men.


LMAO ... The image of the look of horror on his face !!!
Great article.
on May 02, 2004
Gothic,

'Allo darling', Joe grunts in his deep bass voice, as small bald sweaty man realises too late, that the only people seeking random sex with stangers on commuter trains are, well, other men.LMAO ... The image of the look of horror on his face !!!Great article.


I don't know whether you ever watched an American sitcom called Seinfeld.

When I wrote this, I just kept seeing George Castanza as the short bald sweaty man.

A great series, shame it finished.

So sharp, so witty and completely madcap.

yechydda,
on May 02, 2004
Dharma,

..you know, I have this mental image of you looking a sounding a little like Rhys Ifans in 'Notting Hill'. Sorry.


Sorry?

Why, I consider that a complement of the highest degree!

Glad you enjoyed it.

yechydda,
on May 02, 2004
Sir Peter,

No relation to Robert I trust.

Or wouldn't, especially not with my pension money.

Please explain further, these people have blue teeth? What a strange bunch they are.


You said it.

One of the things that I noticed on my travels in Australia, Sydney in particular, were Asian geeks wandering around with their digital video recorders peering through the lens as the were walking about.

They weren't actually seeing anything at all, they were simply looking at the world through a lens.

They might as well have stayed at home and watched the telly.

It's fat too late for Blue bloods such as yourself and me Sir Peter.

The Geek won't inhereit the earth, he already owns it.

yechydda,

on May 02, 2004
Mirrors don't work for them - soooo funny. I see people every day whose mirrors are broke. They think they are hot but they are soooo NOT!