'General Fuckup with the latest sitrep from Eye-rack Mr President Sir!'

‘Hey, Fuckup! Don’t stand on ceremony call me Chimp, everybody else does! Can’t think why. Eeeek!

‘Er, begging your pardon sir?’

‘What’s that General?

‘Um, I thought you just thought you went, sorta, kinda, well Eeeeek! Sir begging your pardon sir!’

‘What me? No sir! Have you got any bananas by the way General?

‘No, sir Mr.President, I have no bananas.’

‘Right then, that’s okay, what have you got for me today Fuckup?’

‘You, uh, asked me to report on our progress in Eye-rack sir, here’s the sitrep.’

‘Eye-rack? Where’s that then? One of them towel-headed A-rab countries is it General?’

‘Yes Mr.President sir, sort of sir, in a manner of speaking sir.’

‘What about it General? Let’s have a look at this progress report then…hey! It’s blank General!’

‘Uh, yes sir.’

‘Oh. Hey, General, wanna say a prayer with me? Jumping Jehosophat ah like to pray for the world General, especially when ah’m in charge. Am ah right? Right! Praise the Lord!’

‘Yes sir, your are right sir. Now about that prisoner we’ve been torturing...sorry sir, forgot the proper word now is interrogating sir…’

‘What that funny smelling little man from South Career with that great porn collection?’

‘No sir, not him sir. And if it were, it would be North. And it’s Korea and they aren’t A-rabs sir, they’re rice munchers. Sir.’

‘They’re not A-rabs? Then why are we at war with them General?’

‘We’re ah, not sir.’

‘We’re not? Suffering plantains General, if not why not?’

‘They’re too dangerous sir. They might win.’

‘Oh. Good point General. Very persway…swyazee…patrick…yeah…tell you what ah’m gonna do General, that’s such a good Goddamn Christian point you made just there, ah’m gonna take this crayon and make a sentence in mah notebook here, and you know what ah’m gonna do next General?’

‘No sir, what sir?’

‘Why, ah’m gonna underline it! Twice! In red! Whaddya say about that General?

‘Um, decisive sir, very decisive sir!’

‘You’re Goddamn-tooting right it is! Now what else can ah do for you General Fuckup?’

‘It’s about the interrogation of our prisoner, sir.’

‘One of them scary rice munchers?’

‘No sir, it’s a prisoner from Eye-rack sir.’

‘Where?’

‘Oh Jesus, Eye-rack! Next door to fucking Eye-Ran sir?’

‘Now lookey here General Fuckup. Watch mah lips. Ah’m telling you now one last time General, ah have never ran from bananas, ah mean National Service! Mah daddy paid people so ah didn’t have to run, and ah’ve still got the Goddamn receipts y’hear?’

‘No sir, remember the war on terrorism sir?’

‘Terrorism General? Terrorism! I hate those Terrorism’s so much. Have we nuked Terrorism yet? Where the hell is Terrorism anyways?

‘Ah, no Mr.President, sorry Chimp, terrorism isn’t a country sir, it’s a thing.’

‘A thing?’

‘Yes sir, a thing.’

‘With bananas?’

‘No sir, no bananas.’

‘Oh. That’s sorta disappointing. Do you have a banana General?’

‘No…I…do…not…have…any…banan…as…sir! Now can we get back to our prisoner…?’

‘Bananas, General. Imagine that, no bananas. We must bring bananas to the downtrodden world General. It is our sacred duty and ah will not rest until the whole world has bananas’

‘Yes sir....CORPORAL!’

‘Yes General Fuckup Sir?’

‘Corporal, go and fetch the President a fucking banana or we’ll be here forever…’

‘What, Just like Eye-rack sir? Um, fetching that banana for the President right away sir!’

‘Now Mr.President, back to the matter at hand. One of the prisoners is talking. At last.’

‘What’s he saying General? MMmm, good banana by the way thank you Corporal, go on General’

‘Mr. President, he’s saying that Eye-rack is full of gun-toting towel headed madmen that would stab you in the back as soon as look at you in the eye.’

‘Well he’s sure on the message there General!’

‘Yes sir, he’s offering you some advice sir.’

‘Ah’m a listening man, what’s he telling us Fuckup?’

‘That if you want to stop the popular uprising in Eye-rack, you’ll have to crack down on the insurgents sir, stamp on them with utmost force, put them down like the rabid dogs that they are.’

‘Hmmm, hey that banana’s got a good point there General.'

‘Yes sir, and that Eye-rack is brimming with violent, dangerous and Goddamn un-Christian towel-headed A-rabs sir.’

‘This is one banana that makes a whole bunch of sense General, go on.’

‘Sir. He says that those towel headed ungodly Muslim bastards only understand one thing sir, and that’s bloody, violent force with no quarter spared. He says the only language they understand is a bullet between the ears!’

‘Bouncing bananas General, this man’s a genius, he’s got his finger on the pulse of the whole Goddamn plantation!’

‘Mr.President, he says you’ll have to arrest or kill as many Al-Sadr’s, er that is Al-bananas sir, as it takes to restore law and order sir, to bulldoze every damn mosque into the dust to teach them respect your authority.’

‘Eeeek Eeeek! He’s right damned right Fuckup!’

‘He’s also volunteering to undertake this difficult and painful job on your behalf sir, Mr.President.’

‘Ooh ooh ah ah ah Eeeek Eeekkk!!!!! General! Put this man in charge of Eye-rack right now. What’s his goddamn name General? Ah wanna shake his banana!’

‘Um, Hussein sir, Saddam Hussein.’

yechydda,