The worst thing in the world is getting to the bra just behind a group of four women out for a drink.

With four blokes it's two pints of this and two pints of that no problem. Sorted.

With women, well:

Barman to four women out for a drink together: 'What it'll be then girls?'

Claire: 'Oh, I'll have a vodka and coke please. Oh, make that a diet coke 

Barman goes off, barman returns: 'Here we are then'

Claire: 'Oh can I have some ice with that'

He goes off. He returns.

Claire:  'Oh, can I have another lump please?'

Barman goes off and returns.

Claire: 'Sheila? Can I get you a drink?'

Sheila: 'Oh, no, I tell you what, me and Joe have just bought a kitchen from kitchen express and I've got to watch my pennies, so I think I'll stay in a round by myself if you don't mind.'

Claire: 'No, I quite understand. I'm a bit skint myself this month what with the car breaking down and the new telly we bought, you know from Dixons, in the high street'

Sheila: 'Can I have a half of lager shandy please?'

Barman: 'What sort of lager.'

Sheila 'Oh, hmmm, let me see now, Fosters. No Heineken.'

Barman goes off, he returns.

Sheila: 'Oh, can I have a splash more lemonade than that please?'

Barman goes off, he returns.

Claire: 'Grace, what are you having?'

Grace: 'Oh! I 'm not sure. Let me think, oh, love your bracelet by the way is that new?'

Claire: 'Yes, I bought it yesterday down the market, pretty isn't it and only twenty quid.'

Grace: 'Never! I think I'll have a tequila sunrise, only with whisky instead of tequila and orange instead of raspberry cordial, and one lump of ice, not two'

Barman goes off, barman returns.

Claire: 'Connie, can I get you one?'

Connie: 'Oh! Yes, that'd be nice.'

Long Pause,

Eventually Claire prompts : 'So what is it you'd like Connie?'

Connine: 'Oh! I don't know. Um, let me see, I'm driving later on so I'd better not have anything too alchoholic, um a cup of coffee would be nice?'

Barman goes off and, having had to put the kettle on, wait for it to boil, get a tiny cup and a tiny saucer, with a tiny spoon and two packets of tiny real sugar and two tiny packets of low calorie sweetener balanced around a tiny carton of UHT milk and a poxy little tiny biscuit returns thirty minutes later.

Barman: 'That it ladies?'

Heads bob collectively, though one looks unsure.

Barman to Claire: 'That'll be five pounds thirty for you madam'

Barman to Sheila: 'and two pounds fifty for you madam'

Claire: 'Have you got change of a Hundred?'

Sheila: 'Can I pay by credit card?'

Finally you elbow them aside and reach the bar, parched and desperate.

Barman: 'Time please Ladies and Gentlemen! Go on piss off I'm closing'

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This is not a joke.

This actually happened to me last summer.

I kid you not.

yechydda,